If Anyone Can Handle Him
by Shalott45
Summary: A series of one-shots that can be read separately or as a part of my story "Harry's Unconventional Family". Harry and Draco are a couple now and also have Teddy and Lily to take care of. What situations will they get themselves into? Will be updated as it comes to me. Rated for language. HPDM, HGRW
1. If Anyone Can Handle Him It's You

**Disclaimer: **All familiar characters are owned by J.K Rowling and associates. No copyright infringement is intended. I write for pleasure, not money.

**Summary: **Harry is going to tell Rita Skeeter about his relationship with Draco. Until Draco shows up and offers a much better plan. A plan that Harry turns out to know nothing about.

**If Anyone Can Handle Him, It's You**

_"If anyone can handle him, it's you" _They had told him when he and Draco became a couple. Oh, how wrong they had been. If only Harry had been able to foresee half of the insane ideas Draco got, he wouldn't be in such a mess. Or rather, they wouldn't. Alright, mostly just Harry.  
It had all started just one day after Draco moved in for real. Harry had his bloody interview with Reeta Skeeter who, naturally, was fishing for any juicy detail she could get her disgusting hands on. Draco was at the Manor, gathering his things, deliberately sent there by Harry so he wouldn't ruin Harry's chance to talk about his children and his former relationship with Ginny.  
"So tell me, Mr. Potter, are you and Ginny Weasley completely over each other?" Skeeter asked with fake innocence. Oh, how she would like them to come desperately crawling back to each other from time to time. It would enable her to milk the concept of them being tragic lovers, forever pining and always changing their minds.

"Yes, we are. The only thing we share now is a mutual friendship and, of course, our daughter Lily whom we discussed earlier." Harry answered. No need to tell Skeeter that Ginny wasn't in the picture at the moment and might not be for a while.

"Is there someone else then?" Skeeter asked. This was Harry's chance to tell the entire wizarding world of his discovery that he was gay and that he and Draco were now together. But did he get to take that chance? No, because Draco Malfoy chose that moment to waltz into the house and sit down besides Harry, putting a hand on his shoulder like they were merely friends and then interrupt the entire interview.

"Hey Potter! Ms. Skeeter, a pleasure. I can tell you all about Potter's love life. You see, at the moment he seems to be irrevocably in love with a special someone. Actually, I'm sure he has been yearning for their love for ages; ever since his early Hogwarts days. In fact," He leaned in close to Skeeter and she licked her lips in anticipation. "I have been informed that Potter here is going to meet up with his love tomorrow in Diagon Alley. Pretty sure that's a good place to be at about noon. Yes, noon. Actually, I dare all of those who call themselves experts on Harry Potter to show up outside Madam Malkin's and have a guess at who the object of his affections is. If they're right I promise 200 galleons as a price. So be there or be square."

Skeeter glowed at this. Harry could practically see how her brain worked to figure out if this information was true. He was about to deny it when Draco stepped down on his foot to distract him. As the pain spread, he could only sit there with tears in his eyes as Skeeter left.

"Thank you then, Mr. Potter, Mr. Malfoy, I think it is time for me to take my leave now. Good luck tomorrow." Skeeter shook their hands and left and Harry turned angrily to Draco.

"What the hell do you think you're playing at? I was about to let people know about us and you ruined it. Stupid idiot!"

"Relax, Harry." Said Draco. "There is no problem. I just thought it would be sweet to go out and eat somewhere to ease people into the thought of us being together. Perhaps we should arrange for the Weasel and his wife to watch over Lily and Teddy for a few hours."  
Harry turned Draco's suggestion over in his head. He couldn't see anything wrong with it. No, he really thought it might be for the best that they were careful about how they introduced people to their relationship. Draco had thought further than him and he gave his assent to this new plan of outing themselves. If only he had seen the mischievous glint in Draco's eyes that told a different story than his innocent tone, but it wasn't until much later that he would look back and remember the tell-tale signs of a plan taking form. And by then, it was too late to change it.

Everything was fixed - Ron and Hermione had agreed to babysit and after a long discussion with the two-year-old Teddy (who didn't say much, just glared), he had reluctantly agreed to stay with his Auntie and Uncle, but not without bawling first. If it wasn't for the deal he had made with Draco, Harry would have never left his adopted son. He wouldn't have had the heart to do it. As it was, he would later be extremely grateful that his children had been left out of the ordeal. It was simply too embarrassing to drag them into.  
At 11.50 a.m. Harry apparated to the Leaky Cauldron and entered. As he saluted Tom, passing through, he subconsciously noticed how empty it was, there were barely half the amount of people there used to be. However, it didn't seem important and he continued towards the small Italian reastaurant that was located next to Madam Malkin's.

When he got there, a mass of people had formed and he located his blond boyfriend in the middle of them. Looking closer, he saw that Draco was actually collecting notes from people.

"One at a time people! One at a time!" Draco shouted. "Remember to write the name you think belongs to Harry Potter's secret love very clearly. And remember to also write your own name so I know who guessed right."  
Harry was rooted to the spot. What the fuck was Draco doing? Was he actually going through with the promise he'd made to Skeeter and the Wizarding World yesterday? Good thing people had only had a few hours to make it here on time or every witch in the country would have showed up.

"Let's see, a simple charm should do it, let me just analyse the names you've written with it." Harry could see Draco wave his wand and heard him mutter a spell and then Draco announced loudly: "Oh, how sad! I'm afraid that no one made the correct guess. Too bad really. Now, let me show you something as a small comfort." He then quickly shed his robes, leaving him standing in the middle of the crowd in muggle jeans and a t-shirt with the text 'I Am Gay' in rainbow-coloured letters. Harry was too stunned to do anything, least of all prevent what happened next. First, some guy yelled profanities at Draco, then a bunch of the witches sighed and burst out crying. Next thing he knew, Draco had hauled him into the middle of the crowd and without further notice snogged the living daylights out of him. When he looked up again, their entire audience was frozen in shock, which may not be so surprising since he discovered that Draco had taken the opportunity to transfigure his clothes into a tiny, red dress with a print that said "Draco's Bitch". Too shocked to do anything other than gape at himself, Harry didn't notice Rita Skeeter until she was right in his face with the photographer taking pictures like crazy. A million questions were hauled at him from witches and wizards alike.

"Mr. Potter, is it true that you and Mr. Malfoy have been having an affair for years?"

"Mr. Potter, is it true that you are gay?"

"Mr. Potter, is it true that you enjoy cross-dressing?"

"Mr. Potter, is it true that you are actually a woman?"

Before he could answer anything, Draco had gathered him bridal style in his arms and was moving through the mass of people and Harry distantly registered that owls were already following them, with the first hate-mail, no doubt.

No sooner had they entered Grimmauld Place than Harry flew at Draco, holding his shirt in a fist and pressing him against a wall. He was angry, nae, furious with his sick drama queen of a boyfriend.

"What the bloody hell was that!" He hissed through clenched teeth.

"I was simply establishing to everybody that you are mine and they can keep their filthy hands off you from now on." Draco drawled.

"By that fucking show?"

"Yes, it was something, wasn't it? I'm quite proud of myself, who knew I could be so creative?"

"You have just humiliated me completely in front of the press you prat, do you realise the consequenses of your actions?!" Shouted Harry.

"Now, now, Potter, calm down." Draco said in a manner that pissed Harry off more. But he would have to deal with it some other way than shouting - it didn't appear to have any effect on Draco.

"I am wearing a dress." Harry stated, taking deep breaths to calm down.

"Indeed, Harry." Smirked Draco. "You know, I think you are quite attractive like that. Maybe I should take you right here."

"You want to do me?" Harry asked in a husky voice that was sure to get Draco going. "Against the wall perhaps?"

"Fuck yes." Draco answered enthusiastically.

"Well, that's just too bad." Harry said, letting go of Draco and turning to walk up the stairs - he really needed to change to ordinary clothes.

"What?" Asked Draco gobsmacked.

"I'm sorry, do you need me to spell it out for you? Your mother taught me that withdrawing certain privileges is a good way to get your guy to listen to you. If that's what I have to do, so be it. Until further notice you are not going to get off with anything but your hand. Good luck with that." Harry said and left Draco standing there, gobsmacked and planning on having a serious talk with his mother.

**A/N: **Remember to review and if you liked it, add to favourites and/or follow. :P


	2. Draco's Revenge

**Disclaimer: **All familiar characters are owned by J.K Rowling and associates. No copyright infringement is intended. I write for pleasure, not money.

**Summary: **Draco notices that he has gotten a bigger belly than before and decides to blame it on Harry. Revenge must be taken, but will it be sweet?

**A/N: **I think this fic may be a crackfic... but then again I think a lot of my fics are crackfics... so read and review and favourite or follow, you know the drill :P

**Draco's Revenge**

Draco watched himself in the mirror. He was quite handsome if he got to say so himself. He could definitely see why Harry found him attractive. The only problem was the small belly that had started forming. It was probably Harry's fault for withdrawing sex. Yes, a month without sex would do that to people, he decided, even if he hadn't actually done _it_ for quite a while before. Still, it had to be blamed on someone and it was obviouly _not _his fault; he didn't eat too much. Therefore, it was only logical to say that the fault was Harry's.

If Draco had thought a little further he might have remembered why Harry had chosen to leave him unsatisfied, he did pull quite a stunt in Diagon Alley last month and things still hadn't calmed down. But being Draco Malfoy, he didn't see how this could be related to his current situation so he swore to take revenge on Harry for his belly. How was a mystery, though, so he sat down on his bed and considered this seriously. And then he had the perfect idea.

"Do you think I've gotten fat?" Draco asked Harry when they were buying ice cream in Diagon Alley.

"Don't be silly Draco, of course I don't think you're fat." Harry answered, rolling his eyes. "You are such a girl sometimes."

"Are you sure though? Perhaps it is best that I don't have any ice cream."

"Stop it, I just told you that you aren't fat. You are actually way too skinny, so please have some." Harry said and let go of Teddy's hand to adjust his shirt. Draco grinned. He had already told Teddy exactly what to do if Harry let go of his hand and now he watched in silent joy as Teddy ran over to Florean Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlour and hid behind the queue. Draco then watched as Harry brought his hand down again to grab a hold of Teddy's only to find out that Teddy was gone. Harry looked up and around him in surprise and then turned to Draco.

"Teddy's gone!" Said Harry in a panicked voice. "He was just here, holding my hand and now he's nowhere to be seen! We have to look for him!" Harry then quickly started towards Eyelops Owl Emporium to lead his search. Draco sighed despite himself. He had known Harry would do this and it was the best way to scold him and drop the first hint that was a step of his plan, but it was still annoying to see Harry forget that he could do magic. He was probably the most powerful wizard in Britain for crying out loud. Five minutes passed before Draco ran to catch up to Harry.

"Harry! Harry!" He yelled unsuccessfully. "Potter!"

That got Harry to turn around.

"Yes?" Harry asked.

"You are an idiot, you know that. How can I ever expect you to be a good father to our child if you can't even use a simple locator spell?" He scolded, making Harry blush in embarrassment. "_Point Me_ Teddy Potter." Said Draco and watched his wand spin and then settle for the direction he already knew Teddy would be in.

"Sorry." Harry said sheepishly as they walked towards the ice cream parlour.

"It's a good thing you have Lily in that baby carrier or I would worry about her too." Draco said, smirking.

"There you are, Teddy!" Harry burst out when they got to him. "Never ever do that to me again, do you know how worried I was?"  
"Sowwy Daddy." The toddler said but still smiled at Draco when Harry wasn't looking. At that moment, Draco decided Teddy was definitely going to Slytherin. He was way too subtle about the smile compared to his age and Draco was so proud.

"Up, Father." Teddy demanded then and Draco shook his head but still picked up his cousin - son? - He wasn't sure he would ever get used to calling Teddy and Lily his children, but Harry seemed to think it was appropriate despite their, so far, brief relationship. At least he knew Harry took them seriously and would forgive him even if his revenge went a tad bit overboard.

"Are you really sure I should have ice cream?" Draco asked as they neared the parlour.

"For Merlin's sake, Draco, I thought we went over this a minute ago.

"Alright, alright. I guess I should remember to eat for two just in case." He said. Step one of his plan was now complete and soon Harry would start doubting his own knowledge.

A few days later, Draco thought it was time for step two. They were having dinner at the Burrow and Molly was fussing about in the kitchen, preparing food and entertaining her guests at the same time. Draco then dragged Ron and Hermione aside.

"Weasley." He adressed both of them and they looked at him amused. "I want you to tell Harry when he asks that male pregnancy is possible."

"Why?" Ron asked confused. "I mean, I have heard the myths but everybody knows that not even magic can make such a thing possible.

"I'm aware of that you imbecile." Draco answered irritated. "I need you to do it as it is a part of a plan I have to avenge myself for Potter refusing to fuck me since our first time with each other."

Ron's face became incredibly red at the mention of shagging whilst Hermione just started smiling.

"Will it be like the plan you had last month?" She asked, barely keeping the laughter out of her voice. "Because in that case, I'm in."

"Me too." Ron chimed in. "I thought it was hilarious. And it isn't often that Harry embarrasses himself anymore."

"So you'll do it?" Asked Draco and they both nodded. "Great." He said and went to find his boyfriend, amazed that the two Gryffindors were actually working with him.

"Wine?" Offered Harry when Draco came up to him and Draco felt his heart skip a beat in elation. His plan was almost going too well.

"No thanks, I'd better not drink in this state." He said and didn't miss the way Harry finally understood that something was going on. After all, Draco never turned down a fine glass of wine. Not much would be needed now.

During the next two days, Draco watched as Harry became withdrawn trying to figure out what Draco had meant by his hints. He didn't doubt that Harry would soon put together the clues (after the way he had almost lost Draco before they got together, Harry tried to pay more attention to subtleties) but he still thought it would be better to make absolutely sure that he got it. He entered Teddy's bedroom where Harry was sitting on the floor trying to play with Teddy and feed Lily at the same time. A hard task, but nothing was impossible when you were Harry Potter.

"Does it look like my stomach has gotten bigger?" Draco asked Harry.

"Huh? No, of course not." Harry protested without taking his eyes off Lily whom he held in his arms.

"You're not even looking." Said Draco, making Harry finally spare him a glance.

"Fine. The truth? Yes, I think your tummy may have gotten a little bigger but it looks good. You look much more healthy this way so please let it stay Draco." Harry answered softly with intense eyes. Draco almost called off his plan right there - if Harry thought he was even more handsome like this, perhaps it wasn't so bad? Still, Harry had to pay for making him think he looked fat in the first place.

"I guess I'll have to... I don't even think I have been eating more than usual. Though I have had a craving for sweets. In fact, I'm gonna go to Diagon Alley to buy some sweets right now."

Harry gave him a weird look but otherwise didn't make any indication he understood yet.

"Okay, have fun." He said and kissed him before he left.

In Diagon Alley, Draco went straight for Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes. He was immediately greeted by George Weasley.

"Ah, Draco Malfoy. What can I do you for?" He said and Draco almost smiled. Almost.

"I'd like to buy some of your Puking Pastilles, if you can show me where they are."

"Of course." George said and smiled in a way that told Draco that Ron hadn't been able to keep his mouth shut. Well, at least this prankster would be sympathetic as long as it was just a prank. And it basically was.

The next day, Draco emerged from the bedroom to find Harry cooking. He saw the perfect opportunity to get the last part of his plan brought into reality. First, he went up to Harry to hug him and kiss him.

"Good morning, love." Draco said. "It smells fantastic."

"'Morning." Harry yawned. "Hopefully it'll taste the same way."  
Draco now made a subtle movement to bring the puking pastille to his mouth and swallowed whilst Harry wasn't looking. A moment later, he felt himself gag.

"I think I'm gonna be sick." He managed and then bent over the sink.

"What's wrong?" Harry asked and Draco watched from his peripheral vision as Harry's eyes widened. "I need to see Hermione!" He said and left Draco to swallow the other half of his puking pastille so he could stop the dry heaving. '_Finally_' thought Draco '_Now he's going to ask Gran- Hermione if it's possible for men to get pregnant_'. He was already rejoicing his successful revenge.

When Harry returned a few hours later, he looked slightly out of breath.

"Draco..." He started. "I'm not sure how to ask this... but do you think it's possible that you're pregnant? I mean you've gained a little weight around you stomach and you have had cravings for sweets and you had morning sickness and... wait a second, you even mentioned me being the father of our _child_ and not children. Holy shit, you're pregnant!" Harry looked horrified and after a minute in silence when Harry still stood there, mouth agape, Draco took pity on him.

"Actually, Potter, I'm not."

"You're not?" Harry asked looking a mix between relieved and angry. "You just pretended to be?"

"Of course. Male pregnancy isn't even possible. I simply asked Hermione and Weasley to tell you it was." Draco smirked.

"But - why?" Asked Harry.

"Because it's your fault I've gotten this belly in the first place. You haven't slept with me since that first night so I gained some weight when I didn't exercise in that way. This was my revenge and you fell for it perfectly."  
"So you just decided that because you now have a boyfriend you could blame everything on him? If you thought back you would remember that you were the one who fucked up in a way that forced me to withdraw that privilege. I think you'll need another sex-free month since you just fucked up again."

"What? No! That was not the outcome I was going for!" Draco shouted horrified.

"Perhaps you should have thought of that before, eh? Remember: he who laughs last, laughs best." Harry said and left the room.

"Bloody hell." Draco sighed miserably.

"Hell." Teddy echoed happily from his chair. "Hell, hell, hell."


End file.
